Pregnancy Emotions and PND.

I’m an emotional kind of person at the best of times.

Pregnancy just intensifies it a million times.

Some of my emotions I wish I could tame.

The crushing jealousy and insecurity.

The hatred for my changing body. Except my growing boobs. I love having boobs.

The extreme highs of excitement and the unknown. The challenge of a new baby to add to our brood.

The overwhelming love for my little family.

The worry of how the fuck I’m gonna cope with four wild ones.

Will my PND return?……

You see back when I was 19, and I had given birth to Junior. I had the most terrible time with Postnatal depression.

I always thought PND was the same. You cried, you thought you’re baby hated you. You couldn’t form a bond with them. You were unhappy the majority of the time.

My PND was the opposite extreme.

I was happy, extremely happy all the time. I lived on cloud 9. Or that’s how I came across. I was battling demons in my head.

I strove to make everyone happy. I was super mum. I hardly slept. I cleaned. I mean really cleaned. I couldn’t have any germs infect my precious new baby. I might lose him.

I cooked meals from scratch. Baked bread. Baked treats for people who visited. As long as no one went near my baby, all was ok. I was scared to lose him.

I also remember the extreme paranoia. The panic that someone was trying to take away my baby. The panic that someone was watching us. The panic that someone had hacked into the baby monitors. So I didn’t use them. What happens if someone took him?

When Junior went to bed, I sat next to him. Even though he slept through the night from 2 days old. I needed to be with him all the time. I needed to protect him. I thought he was all I had.

The worry I wasn’t a good enough Wife (this thought never came often)  I wasn’t paying any attention to Davie. My whole world was Junior, and I couldn’t see past that. I was in a bubble, My own little bubble and couldn’t see through it. The worst thing is I never saw and still can’t pinpoint when our marriage changed. When I pushed my Husband so far away, I very nearly lost him. I often think of this time in my life and try and see it all from Davies point of view. I’d changed us. I was a completely different person. I’d already lost my sanity, and all my friends. I was alone, that’s what I wanted after All. All i cared about was protecting my precious little bundle. I was so wrapped up in myself, I couldn’t see what was actually going on around me. I was blind. I was selfish.

Davie made me seek help. I hated him for it. Really hated him. There was nothing wrong with me!. I loved my Baby. My baby loved and needed me. How could something be wrong with me?

Only when speaking with the doctor did I realise my thoughts weren’t good or rational. Looking around 24/7 and seeing the dangers. Playing the worst case scenario through my head. The cars mounting the pavement and crushing the pram. A bus toppling over and bursting into flames. A stranger running past and grabbing my baby from me. Me dropping Junior down the stairs. Him choking. I’m sure you get the picture. It wasn’t good for anyone.

Medication and therapy helped. Slowly the fogged thinned out, and life became more real. Then I had to fight to keep my Husband.

I hate this time of my life. I hate reliving it. I’m so scared of the future, after baby’s born. I know I will recognise the signs. My midwife tells me so. I’m still the helicopter mum, overprotective and wanting them to be within my sight at all times. Most people don’t understand this. I’m trying really trying to loosen the apron strings. Not too much but enough to play out and play on the park without any interference from me. The PND never resurfaced with my other two Cubs, and I’m really hoping it doesn’t resurface this time. If it does I’m ready!