“Your Son definatly has a disorder”

IMG_20161011_175308.jpgHearing them words, even when you think you are expecting them, knock the wind out of you.

So many feelings.

Elated, a proffesional sees what i see, im not going crazy. Im not a bad Mum after all. We are finally going to get some answers. An officially diagnosis. We will get help.

Sad, because what does the future hold? Junior is upset with me. This appointment was the first time, ive spoken openly in front of him.

Confused, we have always been told that Junior more than likely has ADHD and Asperger. The paediatrition isnt sure, although he thinks there may be some ASD there. Junior doesnt tick every box! I was only just coming to terms with ADHD and Aspergers. Now we are back to square one. Comfused, what will happen next?

Everything is coming all at once. So many tests. Millions of repetitive questions on family history. So many unanswered questions, are they trying to find blame? Point fingers? Trying to figure out if im just a bad parent? Theres too many appointments. I feel trapped in a whirlwind.

I can only imagine how Junior might be feeling. All i can do is answer his million and one questions.

I have never felt so nervous in my life, we are awaiting so many answers. We have so many questions.

I have to figure out how to explain it all to Junior.

First things first though, we will hopefully know by the beginning of November if Junior has Epilepsy or not.

This is one long journey.

We can finally see a light. Im not sure if im ready for the answers yet though…..

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The First Seizure

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Thursday the 29th September started off as any other day. The usual morning. Tantrums, attitude then breakfast club at school. Nothing was unusual.

I went to do my car theory test and passed, i was beyond happy and phoned to tell everyone the news. I went home, made my lunch then sat down to eat.Β Then the phone rang. I saw it was School, i rolled my eyes, and thought, whats Junior done now.

If youve read my previous posts, or follow me on Instagram you will know all about Junior and his behaviours.

School informed me they need me to go up their asap. Junior feels sick and appeared vacant.They didnt want to tell me too much on the phone. I phoned Davie (hubby) at work to let him know, im picking Junior up early. He said he was leaving work, and wouldnt be long. I got to school in 10 minutes. Junior was a funny colour and appeared confused, he kept looking at me, then around the room. He was silent, only nodding his head when i asked if he was ok. He was very still. These are all unusual behaviours for Junior.

I spoke to the Headteacher privately. Junior had gone to his office to speak to him. Junior had a funny feeling in his stomach, then his throat. Junior had gone vacant, then dropped to the floor, been lowered by the teacher. Junior then jerked and his face twitched. He was then incontinant. The whole seizure lasted 20 seconds.

We went to A&E the it was a rush of doctors and nurses. Doctors shouting for an emergency paediatric consultant and a bed on a paediatric ward. It was all a whirlwind, so much happening in such little time, it was so overwhelming. There were no beds, we had our own side room, after all tests had been done, Davie arrived then we got the good news his heart was fine. His obs had picked up. After 4 hours we moved upto the childrens ward. Junior had an overnight stay, with Daddy. We spoke to a Epilepsy consultant. From my family history and my severe migranes they diagnosed that Junior had a Focal Onset Seizure. He also told us that there wae a likelihood of it happening again. We recieved some brief training and told us Junior has to be strictly supervised at all times. He also mentioned Junior has most likely had many small seizures and they have gone unnoticed. I mentioned Juniors night time jerking, face twitching and gutteral noises. I always thought it was Juniors body shutting down for the night, after been hyper. The consultant thinks they may be seizures, and to record them. We are awaiting an appointment to see a Epilepsy specialist and we are going to York for a MRI and EEG.

It all seems to be moving so fast. Its all so overwhelming and feels surreal. Ive been reasearching and googling non stop. Nothing is telling me this was a one off. Its all so scary and new at the moment. Its hard to focus on anythig else.


I do know i have a super brave boy, who is taking this better than i am πŸ’™

Energise York

Yesterday we visited Energi Trampoline Centre in York. I did briefly mention this in my last Blog post.

I did mention the hellish Coach journey.

The actual centre was well worth it though. We went to the Autism Friendly Session. When we arrived the lighting had been turned off, as had the music and the hand dryers in the toilets, also the amount of people allowed to the session had been reduced. The Staff are all Autism aware.

Junior chose to take his ear defenders ‘just in case’ but they werent needed. It was quiet, even with lots of excitable screeching from the Cubs.

When we arrived we purchased some ‘special trampolining socks’ which the Cubs happily put on, and havent taken off in 24 hours. The Cubs got given the option to wear wristbands or not. My Cubs chose to and now wont take them off. We then watched a brilliantly made video about ‘rules’.Β IMG_20160825_184457

 

The actual centre was brilliant. The sessions last for an hour, but honestly that is more than enough bouncing time. The Cubs litrally bounced off the walls. Climbed rope and dived in the foam pits. When my Cubs did break the rules, the staff told them in a firm but fair way, then letting them know the rules are for safety.

 

 

The session ended with the Staff prompting the Cubs 10, 5 and 2 minutes in advance, then telling them the session was over. They usually use a speaker system, but dont during Autism Sessions. When Junior went missing at the end of the session the staff handled it brilliantly, they even handled Juniors meltdown brilliantly, getting access to his locker (it wouldnt open) quickly.

The cafe was reasonably priced, the staff were friendly and the tables and floor was clean.

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All in all we had a brilliant time, and would go back again. I would highly recommend this place.

*i have in no way been payed for this review. All opinions are my own, and i am not connected in any way to Energise.

Adulting

I have tried to take a step back from blogging, and social media.

I have come to the conclusion that i need to blog and spend time on social media. This is my outlet. My support system. I need social media as much as i need a cup of coffee in the morning.

I never ever in my lifetime imagined that adulting would be like this!

You see one of my main problems, (which im well aware of, but cant help), is i plan everything, i mean everything in my head. If it doesnt go my way then i sulk. Thats just me.

Adulting and Parenting is like that. I had this little fairytale, my life planned out, mapped out. It never happened that way, not one little bit. Im not dissapointed i love my Cubs to death. I love my Hubby to death, most of the time (all of the time really).

At the moment i cant help but feel stuck. Stuck in the sense, that Junior is out of control. Stuck that i dont have a life, and i dont know what direction to go in. Im not even sure i enjoy my job anymore. I seem to be penniless all the time. Everyday is a constant battle. The Cubs fight. The Cubs argue. The house is a shit tip (Always the same in the Cubs holidays). I cant see my friends, they always have an excuse (they just dread meeting up with my wild Cubs). Just when i feel me and the Hubby are getting on we start to bicker. Thats another thing added to the daily stresses. Everyone else seems so care free, while i feel stuck drowning in this fog, the light at the end of tunnel growing smaller, not bigger.

I dont blame other people for the way i feel now, ive realised that my feelings are down to me. I need to worry less and enjoy life more. Im sick of been moody, sick of been stressed. Its days like this i wish neverland was real.

The most important thing is though is enjoying my family more. Getting to the light at the end of the tunnel. Been less moody with the Hubby. You only get one life, its time i start living it now β™‘

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Our Reality

 

 

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Junior got angry. I couldn’t explain to him what was going to happen throughout the day while I was at work. He destroyed the trampoline. Juniors speciality as you might want to call it, is destroying things. I honestly don’t think at the time it’s always intentional. He regrets the trampoline now though. This our 4th one, and definitely our last. Yes we do try to stop him, but it’s not always possible.

This is the part I struggle with most the violence and destructive behaviour.

Tonight Junior really hurt my arm and foot. The toughest part is he literally couldn’t give a fuck. None at all. He’s just concerned about himself. He turns it all around, so the attention is all on him. I told him he hurt me. His response he ripped his tshirt and ran upstairs screaming and shouting “you’re gonna kill me”.

Two minutes later he’s back downstairs trying to discuss what Van my best friend just bought?! And people wonder why I think I’m going crazy!

Dont get me wrong. We have had some great days. The families who also go to YCF (a support group) have been faboulous. The trips have gone well. Well as well as they can go, but no judgement is passed.

One thing that I often sit and wonder about is do things get easier? Surely there will become a time when the good days will outweigh the bad?

There is one thing I do know though, I love all my Cubs, so surely we can work through this. ❀️

Appreciation

Today I feel bad. I feel bad for complaining about my Cubs, for complaining about Juniors behaviours, for finding motherhood hard. I have just read a blog on Facebook, about a Mum who had lost her child. I’ve come across a few of these blogs lately. I cannot even begin to comprehend what they are going through. Yet I still find myself getting so cross with the Cubs, and wishing for just a hour alone. How I can wish this? when there are Parents out there, who just wish for an hour with their child again, just a moment to hold their child.

This has put my day in to perspective. Yes we may have had a stressful day. Junior may of screamed most of the day during filming (we filmed for a water park TV ad). He may of flooded my bathroom, refused to eat his tea, fought with his brother and just talked himself to sleep talking about cars, and the filming droid they had during filming, resulting in me having a headache. The other two cubs can be heard talking to each other in bed, when they should be sleeping. But do you know what this is my life. I’m going to stop wishing it was any different, because it’s not going to be. We need to embrace Juniors behaviours more, find ways around things, recognise triggers more. We need to do more as a family. We normally do when Hubby’s here, but I don’t like to take them out on my own. Meltdowns aren’t pretty, let’s be honest.

we all need to be more thankful and appreciate what we have. After all nothing lasts forever.

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Bikinis & Body Image!

Something I have always struggled with. I was the fat kid. The late bloomer. Now I eat like a horse but remain skinny, “you’re so lucky” people always tell me. Shame i never feel lucky. I hate the fact I’m skinny, I’m a size 8, I have tiny boobs, I just look gangly, awkward and skinny! My skin is so pale, I don’t tan. “I’d kill for your figure” people often tell me, why is it we are never happy with what we have? Will I ever be comftable and happy?

its always the bad comments, back from when I was a teenager that have always stuck in my head. Cruel comments from imbeciles. Why is it never the positive comments that stick in my head?

We all got the chance to be filmed for an advert. Great stuff you might think, such a great opportunity. To be able to go to a water park all day for free! I on the other hand, can’t think of anything worse. We are going, I’ve asked to be edited out though. Swim wear shopping is a absolute nightwear. The only thing I could find that I was comfortableΒ Β in ironically is a bikini. A very super padded bikini, swim suits and tankinis just didn’t fit right, I must have a long body! I’m still not sure how I will feel stepping out in said bikini, maybe wrapping a towel round myself might help! Or a very large bottle of wine or Vodka!

imageI’m determined to take a picture in my bikini, stand proud, stretch marks on my bum and back of legs and all! Flash that skinniness, pale white skin and be proud! Women all need to boost each other stand tall and be proud! We need to complement each other, embrace each other’s differences and respect each other.

People always ask why I tell my Cubs constantly they are “beautiful” and “you look perfect today” this is because I want my Cubs to be body proud, confident and embrace their flaws. Porchia already tells people she is the best looking person, she loves to dress different and loves to stand out. As she’s only 7, I hope she maintains this confidence. I don’t care about people’s views, I will continue to tell my Cubs daily how amazing they are ✌🏻️ & ❀️