I am the Mum….

I am the Mum you see out and about.

The Mum who looks young.

The Mum who has three children.

The Mum who looks like she has no control over her boys.  The Boys who you may hear before you see, the boys who cant keep still. The boys who talk at a high volume.

The Mum you judge.

The one who you stop and stare at, and feel the need to take a moment out of your day to make a comment on how i “need to control my children” or how “disgusting their behaviour is” or “is there any need for the level of noise they produce”.

If my Boys had a physical disability, would you be more understanding? Would you give me a sympathetic look, and walk on by?

Yes you would. How do i know that?

Because when Alfie was in a Maclaren Major pram having a meltdown. I didnt get judgemental stares and comments.

When Junior has his ear defenders on, and is stood twiddling his twiddle toy. I dont get as many judgemental stares and comments.

Can you not see that during a meltdown in the middle of a Supermarket, when im on the verge of tears, getting punched, kicked and swore at by my Son, that maybe he cant deal with the situation. Hes not just a naughty child. Your stares and comments dont help. Yes its human nature to stare, but please dont stop and stare. Please keep your comments to yourself.

You may think im not disaplining my children.

Truth is, during a meltdown. I cant reason with them. During a meltdown theres not much i can do, but try and remove them from the situation, reassure them and wait for it to pass. My Boys are getting big now at ages 10 and 8 its getting harder and harder to remove them from situations. Please be patient. Please dont judge. Please just walk on by.

Truth is when you do judge, it has a massive impact on me. Yes me. The boys dont care what you think. Not in a bad way. They just dont care. I do care. Your not only critising me as a person and a Mum. Your critising my children. You are judging them. That is what i find hard. Your making an impression of my children, before you know them.

Most of all.

I am the Mum who will defend her children. I am the Mum who is learning not to react to your comments, because its all due to ignorance. Lack of knowledge.

I am the Mum who loves her children no matter what………

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Energise York

Yesterday we visited Energi Trampoline Centre in York. I did briefly mention this in my last Blog post.

I did mention the hellish Coach journey.

The actual centre was well worth it though. We went to the Autism Friendly Session. When we arrived the lighting had been turned off, as had the music and the hand dryers in the toilets, also the amount of people allowed to the session had been reduced. The Staff are all Autism aware.

Junior chose to take his ear defenders ‘just in case’ but they werent needed. It was quiet, even with lots of excitable screeching from the Cubs.

When we arrived we purchased some ‘special trampolining socks’ which the Cubs happily put on, and havent taken off in 24 hours. The Cubs got given the option to wear wristbands or not. My Cubs chose to and now wont take them off. We then watched a brilliantly made video about ‘rules’. IMG_20160825_184457

 

The actual centre was brilliant. The sessions last for an hour, but honestly that is more than enough bouncing time. The Cubs litrally bounced off the walls. Climbed rope and dived in the foam pits. When my Cubs did break the rules, the staff told them in a firm but fair way, then letting them know the rules are for safety.

 

 

The session ended with the Staff prompting the Cubs 10, 5 and 2 minutes in advance, then telling them the session was over. They usually use a speaker system, but dont during Autism Sessions. When Junior went missing at the end of the session the staff handled it brilliantly, they even handled Juniors meltdown brilliantly, getting access to his locker (it wouldnt open) quickly.

The cafe was reasonably priced, the staff were friendly and the tables and floor was clean.

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All in all we had a brilliant time, and would go back again. I would highly recommend this place.

*i have in no way been payed for this review. All opinions are my own, and i am not connected in any way to Energise.

Adulting

I have tried to take a step back from blogging, and social media.

I have come to the conclusion that i need to blog and spend time on social media. This is my outlet. My support system. I need social media as much as i need a cup of coffee in the morning.

I never ever in my lifetime imagined that adulting would be like this!

You see one of my main problems, (which im well aware of, but cant help), is i plan everything, i mean everything in my head. If it doesnt go my way then i sulk. Thats just me.

Adulting and Parenting is like that. I had this little fairytale, my life planned out, mapped out. It never happened that way, not one little bit. Im not dissapointed i love my Cubs to death. I love my Hubby to death, most of the time (all of the time really).

At the moment i cant help but feel stuck. Stuck in the sense, that Junior is out of control. Stuck that i dont have a life, and i dont know what direction to go in. Im not even sure i enjoy my job anymore. I seem to be penniless all the time. Everyday is a constant battle. The Cubs fight. The Cubs argue. The house is a shit tip (Always the same in the Cubs holidays). I cant see my friends, they always have an excuse (they just dread meeting up with my wild Cubs). Just when i feel me and the Hubby are getting on we start to bicker. Thats another thing added to the daily stresses. Everyone else seems so care free, while i feel stuck drowning in this fog, the light at the end of tunnel growing smaller, not bigger.

I dont blame other people for the way i feel now, ive realised that my feelings are down to me. I need to worry less and enjoy life more. Im sick of been moody, sick of been stressed. Its days like this i wish neverland was real.

The most important thing is though is enjoying my family more. Getting to the light at the end of the tunnel. Been less moody with the Hubby. You only get one life, its time i start living it now ♡

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Our Reality

 

 

image.jpgThis is our reality.

Junior got angry. I couldn’t explain to him what was going to happen throughout the day while I was at work. He destroyed the trampoline. Juniors speciality as you might want to call it, is destroying things. I honestly don’t think at the time it’s always intentional. He regrets the trampoline now though. This our 4th one, and definitely our last. Yes we do try to stop him, but it’s not always possible.

This is the part I struggle with most the violence and destructive behaviour.

Tonight Junior really hurt my arm and foot. The toughest part is he literally couldn’t give a fuck. None at all. He’s just concerned about himself. He turns it all around, so the attention is all on him. I told him he hurt me. His response he ripped his tshirt and ran upstairs screaming and shouting “you’re gonna kill me”.

Two minutes later he’s back downstairs trying to discuss what Van my best friend just bought?! And people wonder why I think I’m going crazy!

Dont get me wrong. We have had some great days. The families who also go to YCF (a support group) have been faboulous. The trips have gone well. Well as well as they can go, but no judgement is passed.

One thing that I often sit and wonder about is do things get easier? Surely there will become a time when the good days will outweigh the bad?

There is one thing I do know though, I love all my Cubs, so surely we can work through this. ❤️

Consistency & progress

imageI often sit and wonder, will my life contain any consistency? Junior and Alfie crave consistancy, but Junior is so unpredictable. He can go from 1 to 100 in 0.1 seconds. I can’t always see a trigger. Am I blind? Is there a trigger? I’m mentally exausted. It’s as if I get sucked into a false sense of security, that we have finally made progress.

We went on a trip to Dalby Forest yesterday with a support group we have just joined. We had a good day, a better than good day, he smiled had fun and the other children actually got him. Junior only had two meltdowns during the trip, nobody judged, nobody stared. After Junior punched me I got asked if I was ok, and that was it. The support was amazing. The feeling was amazing that Junior could be himself and nobody mentioned his screaming, loudness and social inappropriateness. It was all too much at the end of the day and ended in an epic meltdown, to which he fell asleep to. image

I thought today we be good. How wrong was I? We have had meltdown after meltdown. I don’t know if punishing him for hitting his brother helps or makes things worse? If when I tell him off for swearing, am I making it worse? Tonight Juniors gone to bed screaming, saying “I hate you Mum” I don’t know if he knows how much he affects me, or if he does it because he knows it gets to me? After all the positives we have had I feel like we have taken a massive backwards step. It seems it’s just getting harder and harder as he gets older, and the summer holidays don’t help.

But after all tomorrow’s another day. I must stay with the positives. image

Appreciation

Today I feel bad. I feel bad for complaining about my Cubs, for complaining about Juniors behaviours, for finding motherhood hard. I have just read a blog on Facebook, about a Mum who had lost her child. I’ve come across a few of these blogs lately. I cannot even begin to comprehend what they are going through. Yet I still find myself getting so cross with the Cubs, and wishing for just a hour alone. How I can wish this? when there are Parents out there, who just wish for an hour with their child again, just a moment to hold their child.

This has put my day in to perspective. Yes we may have had a stressful day. Junior may of screamed most of the day during filming (we filmed for a water park TV ad). He may of flooded my bathroom, refused to eat his tea, fought with his brother and just talked himself to sleep talking about cars, and the filming droid they had during filming, resulting in me having a headache. The other two cubs can be heard talking to each other in bed, when they should be sleeping. But do you know what this is my life. I’m going to stop wishing it was any different, because it’s not going to be. We need to embrace Juniors behaviours more, find ways around things, recognise triggers more. We need to do more as a family. We normally do when Hubby’s here, but I don’t like to take them out on my own. Meltdowns aren’t pretty, let’s be honest.

we all need to be more thankful and appreciate what we have. After all nothing lasts forever.

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Perfectly Imperfect

image.jpgMy name is Sam 🙋🏻 and I’m addicted to Instagram!!

i spend my days instagramming, all day long. It’s a lovely little community. The only down fall is, how some, not all chose to portray their lives in the small little boxes. It’s these accounts, I find myself looking at the most. The perfect houses, the perfectly well behaved children, the fun filled enjoyable days outs they all have as a family. Together, laughing, smiling.  I find myself feeling envious. I would like a little bit of what they have. I feel myself getting really down, comparing my life.

It was the other day, after going back to work. (I had a weeks annual leave) that I realised, my life is perfectly imperfect.

I have come to realise we are never going to have a full meltdown free day. But do you know what I’m ok with that. Why?! Because half a day meltdown free is a task in it self. We are never going to have a perfectly immaculate home. Why?! Because my home is a lived in home, not a show room. It’s its own kind of beautiful. Our beautiful.

People are never going to look at my family and be envious, and do you know what I’m ok with that. My life is unpredictable, we never know how Junior, or Alfie are going to react to situations, or how much they will actually enjoy a day trip. Don’t get me wrong we always have meltdowns, but they have a small bit of enjoyment, and for that I’m grateful. The smallest things bring them so much joy.

ive always promised myself to keep things raw and real on social media. I don’t want to pretend my life is something it’s not.

This Summer we have things to look forward to. I joined a support group. It was the best thing I could of done. They do trips. We are joining them, I can’t wait, we will be able to go out as a family, and not get judged, no tuts, no staring and no nasty comments. For the people at the support group I will forever be grateful. As I will be forever grateful to my support worker, school and family, and my support network on social media.

We are perfectly imperfect and it’s taken a while but I’m ok with that. Actually I’m more than ok with it. I love my Cubs just the way they are. After all it would be boring to be like every one else.

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