Pregnancy Emotions and PND.

I’m an emotional kind of person at the best of times.

Pregnancy just intensifies it a million times.

Some of my emotions I wish I could tame.

The crushing jealousy and insecurity.

The hatred for my changing body. Except my growing boobs. I love having boobs.

The extreme highs of excitement and the unknown. The challenge of a new baby to add to our brood.

The overwhelming love for my little family.

The worry of how the fuck I’m gonna cope with four wild ones.

Will my PND return?……

You see back when I was 19, and I had given birth to Junior. I had the most terrible time with Postnatal depression.

I always thought PND was the same. You cried, you thought you’re baby hated you. You couldn’t form a bond with them. You were unhappy the majority of the time.

My PND was the opposite extreme.

I was happy, extremely happy all the time. I lived on cloud 9. Or that’s how I came across. I was battling demons in my head.

I strove to make everyone happy. I was super mum. I hardly slept. I cleaned. I mean really cleaned. I couldn’t have any germs infect my precious new baby. I might lose him.

I cooked meals from scratch. Baked bread. Baked treats for people who visited. As long as no one went near my baby, all was ok. I was scared to lose him.

I also remember the extreme paranoia. The panic that someone was trying to take away my baby. The panic that someone was watching us. The panic that someone had hacked into the baby monitors. So I didn’t use them. What happens if someone took him?

When Junior went to bed, I sat next to him. Even though he slept through the night from 2 days old. I needed to be with him all the time. I needed to protect him. I thought he was all I had.

The worry I wasn’t a good enough Wife (this thought never came often) Β I wasn’t paying any attention to Davie. My whole world was Junior, and I couldn’t see past that. I was in a bubble, My own little bubble and couldn’t see through it. The worst thing is I never saw and still can’t pinpoint when our marriage changed. When I pushed my Husband so far away, I very nearly lost him. I often think of this time in my life and try and see it all from Davies point of view. I’d changed us. I was a completely different person. I’d already lost my sanity, and all my friends. I was alone, that’s what I wanted after All. All i cared about was protecting my precious little bundle. I was so wrapped up in myself, I couldn’t see what was actually going on around me. I was blind. I was selfish.

Davie made me seek help. I hated him for it. Really hated him. There was nothing wrong with me!. I loved my Baby. My baby loved and needed me. How could something be wrong with me?

Only when speaking with the doctor did I realise my thoughts weren’t good or rational. Looking around 24/7 and seeing the dangers. Playing the worst case scenario through my head. The cars mounting the pavement and crushing the pram. A bus toppling over and bursting into flames. A stranger running past and grabbing my baby from me. Me dropping Junior down the stairs. Him choking. I’m sure you get the picture. It wasn’t good for anyone.

Medication and therapy helped. Slowly the fogged thinned out, and life became more real. Then I had to fight to keep my Husband.

I hate this time of my life. I hate reliving it. I’m so scared of the future, after baby’s born. I know I will recognise the signs. My midwife tells me so. I’m still the helicopter mum, overprotective and wanting them to be within my sight at all times. Most people don’t understand this. I’m trying really trying to loosen the apron strings. Not too much but enough to play out and play on the park without any interference from me. The PND never resurfaced with my other two Cubs, and I’m really hoping it doesn’t resurface this time. If it does I’m ready!

Just a Mama wanting answers…

IMG_20161002_175757.jpgi feel im lost in a fog. Everythings hazy.

It could be the lack of sleep.

Since Junior had his seizure, and speaking to the Epilepsy Consultant, im so scared that Juniors night time jerking and twitching, is actually seizures.

In my last post i wrote about how quick everything was going, it was a whirlwind. Now it seems to be the complete opposite. It feels times slowly ticking by, almost stopping.

Im impatient you see. I want answers. Google, and YouTube arent giving me the answers i want.

I find myself studying Junior all the time, every twitch or jerk he does, asking if hes ok. He goes quiet for a minute, im shouting his name, for him to respond. I feel like im going crazy. Every phonecall while hes at School or im at Work, my heart sinks.

Im obsessively watching the small clips of Junior i have managed to film so far. Looking for clues that its all in my head. That its just normal sleep twitches and jerks.

Deep down though i think i know the answer to my own questions.

It breaks my heart. Im holding out hope it was a one off, until he does have the MRI and EEG. Until the consultant has viewed the footage. Six weeks feels like a Millenium away. Lightyears. I feel like im going crazy.

Ive only just started to come to terms, even grieved possibly, with the fact that Junior has Aspergers and ADHD, maybe even SPD. Now we have Epilepsy thrown into the mix. I have only explained the Epilepsy to Junior. I dont know if im just been selfish. Over thinking and worrying too much. Isnt that a Mothers job though.Maybe i need to take a step back. Stop researching. Take a leaf out of Juniors book and just carry on with life. One day at a time.Wait until we get appointments and results, and cross that bridge when we get to it.

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The First Seizure

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Thursday the 29th September started off as any other day. The usual morning. Tantrums, attitude then breakfast club at school. Nothing was unusual.

I went to do my car theory test and passed, i was beyond happy and phoned to tell everyone the news. I went home, made my lunch then sat down to eat.Β Then the phone rang. I saw it was School, i rolled my eyes, and thought, whats Junior done now.

If youve read my previous posts, or follow me on Instagram you will know all about Junior and his behaviours.

School informed me they need me to go up their asap. Junior feels sick and appeared vacant.They didnt want to tell me too much on the phone. I phoned Davie (hubby) at work to let him know, im picking Junior up early. He said he was leaving work, and wouldnt be long. I got to school in 10 minutes. Junior was a funny colour and appeared confused, he kept looking at me, then around the room. He was silent, only nodding his head when i asked if he was ok. He was very still. These are all unusual behaviours for Junior.

I spoke to the Headteacher privately. Junior had gone to his office to speak to him. Junior had a funny feeling in his stomach, then his throat. Junior had gone vacant, then dropped to the floor, been lowered by the teacher. Junior then jerked and his face twitched. He was then incontinant. The whole seizure lasted 20 seconds.

We went to A&E the it was a rush of doctors and nurses. Doctors shouting for an emergency paediatric consultant and a bed on a paediatric ward. It was all a whirlwind, so much happening in such little time, it was so overwhelming. There were no beds, we had our own side room, after all tests had been done, Davie arrived then we got the good news his heart was fine. His obs had picked up. After 4 hours we moved upto the childrens ward. Junior had an overnight stay, with Daddy. We spoke to a Epilepsy consultant. From my family history and my severe migranes they diagnosed that Junior had a Focal Onset Seizure. He also told us that there wae a likelihood of it happening again. We recieved some brief training and told us Junior has to be strictly supervised at all times. He also mentioned Junior has most likely had many small seizures and they have gone unnoticed. I mentioned Juniors night time jerking, face twitching and gutteral noises. I always thought it was Juniors body shutting down for the night, after been hyper. The consultant thinks they may be seizures, and to record them. We are awaiting an appointment to see a Epilepsy specialist and we are going to York for a MRI and EEG.

It all seems to be moving so fast. Its all so overwhelming and feels surreal. Ive been reasearching and googling non stop. Nothing is telling me this was a one off. Its all so scary and new at the moment. Its hard to focus on anythig else.


I do know i have a super brave boy, who is taking this better than i am πŸ’™

Energise York

Yesterday we visited Energi Trampoline Centre in York. I did briefly mention this in my last Blog post.

I did mention the hellish Coach journey.

The actual centre was well worth it though. We went to the Autism Friendly Session. When we arrived the lighting had been turned off, as had the music and the hand dryers in the toilets, also the amount of people allowed to the session had been reduced. The Staff are all Autism aware.

Junior chose to take his ear defenders ‘just in case’ but they werent needed. It was quiet, even with lots of excitable screeching from the Cubs.

When we arrived we purchased some ‘special trampolining socks’ which the Cubs happily put on, and havent taken off in 24 hours. The Cubs got given the option to wear wristbands or not. My Cubs chose to and now wont take them off. We then watched a brilliantly made video about ‘rules’.Β IMG_20160825_184457

 

The actual centre was brilliant. The sessions last for an hour, but honestly that is more than enough bouncing time. The Cubs litrally bounced off the walls. Climbed rope and dived in the foam pits. When my Cubs did break the rules, the staff told them in a firm but fair way, then letting them know the rules are for safety.

 

 

The session ended with the Staff prompting the Cubs 10, 5 and 2 minutes in advance, then telling them the session was over. They usually use a speaker system, but dont during Autism Sessions. When Junior went missing at the end of the session the staff handled it brilliantly, they even handled Juniors meltdown brilliantly, getting access to his locker (it wouldnt open) quickly.

The cafe was reasonably priced, the staff were friendly and the tables and floor was clean.

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All in all we had a brilliant time, and would go back again. I would highly recommend this place.

*i have in no way been payed for this review. All opinions are my own, and i am not connected in any way to Energise.

Adulting

I have tried to take a step back from blogging, and social media.

I have come to the conclusion that i need to blog and spend time on social media. This is my outlet. My support system. I need social media as much as i need a cup of coffee in the morning.

I never ever in my lifetime imagined that adulting would be like this!

You see one of my main problems, (which im well aware of, but cant help), is i plan everything, i mean everything in my head. If it doesnt go my way then i sulk. Thats just me.

Adulting and Parenting is like that. I had this little fairytale, my life planned out, mapped out. It never happened that way, not one little bit. Im not dissapointed i love my Cubs to death. I love my Hubby to death, most of the time (all of the time really).

At the moment i cant help but feel stuck. Stuck in the sense, that Junior is out of control. Stuck that i dont have a life, and i dont know what direction to go in. Im not even sure i enjoy my job anymore. I seem to be penniless all the time. Everyday is a constant battle. The Cubs fight. The Cubs argue. The house is a shit tip (Always the same in the Cubs holidays). I cant see my friends, they always have an excuse (they just dread meeting up with my wild Cubs). Just when i feel me and the Hubby are getting on we start to bicker. Thats another thing added to the daily stresses. Everyone else seems so care free, while i feel stuck drowning in this fog, the light at the end of tunnel growing smaller, not bigger.

I dont blame other people for the way i feel now, ive realised that my feelings are down to me. I need to worry less and enjoy life more. Im sick of been moody, sick of been stressed. Its days like this i wish neverland was real.

The most important thing is though is enjoying my family more. Getting to the light at the end of the tunnel. Been less moody with the Hubby. You only get one life, its time i start living it now β™‘

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Our Reality

 

 

image.jpgThis is our reality.

Junior got angry. I couldn’t explain to him what was going to happen throughout the day while I was at work. He destroyed the trampoline. Juniors speciality as you might want to call it, is destroying things. I honestly don’t think at the time it’s always intentional. He regrets the trampoline now though. This our 4th one, and definitely our last. Yes we do try to stop him, but it’s not always possible.

This is the part I struggle with most the violence and destructive behaviour.

Tonight Junior really hurt my arm and foot. The toughest part is he literally couldn’t give a fuck. None at all. He’s just concerned about himself. He turns it all around, so the attention is all on him. I told him he hurt me. His response he ripped his tshirt and ran upstairs screaming and shouting “you’re gonna kill me”.

Two minutes later he’s back downstairs trying to discuss what Van my best friend just bought?! And people wonder why I think I’m going crazy!

Dont get me wrong. We have had some great days. The families who also go to YCF (a support group) have been faboulous. The trips have gone well. Well as well as they can go, but no judgement is passed.

One thing that I often sit and wonder about is do things get easier? Surely there will become a time when the good days will outweigh the bad?

There is one thing I do know though, I love all my Cubs, so surely we can work through this. ❀️

Appreciation

Today I feel bad. I feel bad for complaining about my Cubs, for complaining about Juniors behaviours, for finding motherhood hard. I have just read a blog on Facebook, about a Mum who had lost her child. I’ve come across a few of these blogs lately. I cannot even begin to comprehend what they are going through. Yet I still find myself getting so cross with the Cubs, and wishing for just a hour alone. How I can wish this? when there are Parents out there, who just wish for an hour with their child again, just a moment to hold their child.

This has put my day in to perspective. Yes we may have had a stressful day. Junior may of screamed most of the day during filming (we filmed for a water park TV ad). He may of flooded my bathroom, refused to eat his tea, fought with his brother and just talked himself to sleep talking about cars, and the filming droid they had during filming, resulting in me having a headache. The other two cubs can be heard talking to each other in bed, when they should be sleeping. But do you know what this is my life. I’m going to stop wishing it was any different, because it’s not going to be. We need to embrace Juniors behaviours more, find ways around things, recognise triggers more. We need to do more as a family. We normally do when Hubby’s here, but I don’t like to take them out on my own. Meltdowns aren’t pretty, let’s be honest.

we all need to be more thankful and appreciate what we have. After all nothing lasts forever.

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