Alone and drowning

 

 

Have you ever felt like your failing your child?

This is how i feel at the moment. I feel overwhelmed. Like im drowning.

I mean on a day trip today with a support group, after one too many meltdowns from Junior, i cried, i mean i held my hands up and said “i cant do this anymore today”, it just became too much. Does that make me a bad parent? Or just human? Surely we all have a breaking point.

Its these low points when the Cubs are in bed and im alone with my thoughts, going over and over the day. Nitpicking at what went wrong. Trying to pinpoint the moment before the meltdown, any possible triggers. Its these nights that mentally exaust me, but i cannot sleep.

Dont get me wrong its not all bad. Junior had some good points today. He interacted with others well. Even at one point was kind, and allowed another child to wear his ear defenders. Yup you read right, he actally shared!!!

Even though we were in a group, i still managed to feel alone. This is a feeling that surfaces the most. Nobody wants to be around Junior. Sometimes i dont blame them, but hes my Cub and i will defend him to the end. How can one person feel so many different emotions. I dont want to adult anymore. I dont want to feel stressed, angry, sad or like a failure anymore!

I just want a full 24 hours or even 12 hours of pure care free happiness, as a family is that too much to ask. Or is this me been selfish?

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